A note to all college students reading this. Be aware that for some of you, the finals week might have already passed, for others it’s still weeks away. As for people like me, finals week is right around the corner.
What I’m about to disclose to you, my fellow bloggers, is secret information about all college finals. This information contains instructions that will lead readers towards INSTANT SUCCESS in finals, guaranteed.
I pinky swear.
So let’s begin with the exact information that i have acquired. The essential Truth of Finals. I received an e-mail from an anonymous source going by the name sexytwinkiehumper24. His message was short:
Go to the teachers lounge if you seek the truth.
Normally, I would be cautious about trusting humpers, especially sexy ones, but his love for Twinkies could not be ignored. I proceeded to find the lounge and waited for the perfect time to come in. When i entered, the room was dark. I felt someone’s presence though… or rather, I smelt the delicious pastry.
“Sexytwinkiehumper24?” i said towards the darkness.
The figure moved up to me with shady speed and handed me an envelope. I noticed this man had a little white cream on his pants: his most recent victim.
“Thanks, I..” he had disappeared when I looked up.
As i walked out of the lounge I felt something in my pockets.
A twinkie. Slightly humped.
I proceeded to throw it away and continued on towards my dorm. I was so excited: in my hands I held something of (step 48: you’re f**ked) utmost importance, i just didn’t know what it was. So i tore open the envelope and pulled out the first paper.
‘Classified: FInal Exam Guide: How to Tame Your Rainbow Jimmies’ was written on the paper.
Now I won’t go into detail of everything found within those documents, but what was contained within was the most glorious solution to all finals ever.
0. There is no camel
1. Acquire peanut butter
2. It MUST be crunchy
3. God damn it better be crunchy.
4. Is your peanut butter crunchy? NO it’s P as in Pussy crap!
5. Disregard peanut butter, acquire mothers panties
6. Subject peanut butter to ridicule and insult its honor
7. Place panties on head
8. Ride into class on camel stated in step number 0
9. Make out with peanut butter and use its crunchiness to pass exam as explained in step 48
10. Fail school. start business as Twinkie humper and destroy the hoho’s king
11. Eminent success
And that my friends is how you survive finals week.